in closing

I've held this for too long
You'll never understand
Where were you last night?
Was he cupping his hands beneath your breastplate
with a sigh?
He thinks you're real
I know better
I know how he holds you
I know how you regret every breath
Every second since the end
You never believed me
When I offered you everything a barbie girl could ever want
I offered you life
In a purity you couldn't handle
So yes, I know how he holds you
You wish it were me
But you can't change the faces
You can never go back
Keep trying
Will you cry again?
Into your pillow long after he is asleep
As you told me you do
Cry to your god
His spit will break you down
Acidic and impure
As the sheets you lay the whore in
Believing you are real
If even for a moment
Welcome enemy
Offer me promises
To break every letter evenly, clean
So that I invite the pain
Let it swallow me
That's when you loved me
When the shadows held my nose
Led me to the machine
You're just another victim, kid
You made me docile
When the mountains demanded rage
Now I make this whole again
With a pen and a mind
Everything demands a rewrite
I am unable to compute, this does not comply
I can offer the truth
A release that will blow your mind, baby
Paste it all over the wall
Just shake it up
Twenty bucks a hit
Another for the values you claimed to have
Down she goes
Spiral child
Nose dusted in the snow
Swing with the demons again
You won't forget
What you can never have again
Regret is a motherfucker
He doesn't let go
"Welcome home, baby, we've been waiting for you.
Sign in here please. Room 11! Bring the doctor!
Another attempted suicide. Tried to bite her tongue out.
Couldn't quite gnaw through all the muscles.
Muffled blood and air escape her throat, look at the
disappointment in her eyes. With bloody tears, they cry
her volumes for her. She knows she's going to live."
Try harder next time sister, you're too weak to escape.
I wonder what was going through her mind, anyways
Emotion is a crazy world
Sometimes the trip can take you too far
I'll never blame you
I let you do it
I wanted it
I needed it to live, to write, to survive
I used you for the pain
This is as real as it gets
As good as it gets?
You'll never see these eyes again
It's a shame
You were real
We were real
You needed to hear this
Maybe I just needed to say this
The door has been cracked for too long
The sunlight beams through like the reflection of a god
Hard light, soft heart
Its been hitting me all this time
I've just been afraid of it
Of me
Not anymore
I don't see the point in it
In you
Or if there ever was one
A broken diamond isn't nearly as beautiful
Its pieces shimmer no more than sand
Belief became a ruiner
I steal from myself, because it's safer than letting you steal from me again
Well beyond the last goodbye
I can watch you close the store everyday
Lock the memories behind a skeleton key
Wake up to what is
Look around
You can never forget what was
You can never really close


roses [dead again]

hello rose
I've come to watch you die again
It's quieter now
louder in your eyes
hush now
go peacefully
you arrived too soon
soaring on tomorrows clouds
only to suffer in the sunlight
too bright for you
too much

"Come lover, taste my mind.
   In this minute, take my eyes
   and show them the heaven
   you promised long ago.
   Bring the light you swore was mine."

your leaves are as frail as I
falling to dust
as it is written
as it is

[you could have been forever]

your scent is fading
so sad rose
I would shed a tear
but you might gain hope from that
life from my salted pain
I can feel your roots reaching
screaming in the soil
no more chances

"Go. I won't let you destroy
 what the scars have become.
 Two revolutions have passed,
 and still you push.
 I would rather die than be without you,
 and that need has poisoned me for too long.
 You won't see these eyes again."

I died
but not on the level you requested
just another trip to the bottom
some time for a rewind
the deck needed a fresh shuffle
maybe a new dealer

and here we are
I stand breathing
you're left waiting for the wind
this is the last thing you'll see
watch closely
look to your right
fresh rose
life green, blood red
no, not your replacement
no need for that
this is just the beginning
for you, the end



Sky blue lighting wraps the room
with a quilt of comfort.
Speakers hum in eager anticipation
of music that will not come.
The phone doesn't ring
and the walls


     Antibiographical man. I am 26 years of age, living comfortably in Pontiac, Illinois. Male by the definition of anatomy, but slinking past the stereotypes all the same. This is a collection of a life behind jaded eyes, poetry that every man, woman, and child can feel and relate to. Take a step into the shadows and follow the breeze at your back, stepping always toward the light. Blink with me.

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