rude and comical responses by new submission rejectees

by jay miner

I serve as Co-Editor of and new submissions are linked directly to my email. I recently received my first rude and wildly hilarious email response to a rejection you'll read below. If and when any other comics such as this should roll in...
i will post them here
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From: ke
On Thursday, June 5, 2003, at 11:15 PM

"thank you, but not interested at this time."

some idenification of who you are or what zine you are representing, or
something my be helpful or maybe even *****thoughtful******?
really...lets get real do you think you are the only place I send
things to?

" hey, you emailed me baby."pain301.gif - 2455 Bytes

1/14/2003, 8:11 pm

I recently received my first rude and wildly hilarious email response to a HOLD rejection. .. =====All I told the guy was "No Thanks." A bit blunt, sure, but certainly not rude or impolite. What follows is his response:

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Hey Mr. Big Time,
that's your way of replying?
To be honest I don't even recall who you are, but still.
NO THANKS, that's it, what were you born under a rock and raised in a cave? I'll let you get back to your empire, I've taken too much of your time already.
Date:Mon, 20 Jan 2003 07:53:31 -0500

was wondering if you accept or reject these various art forms: short-short stories, storellas, literary pre`cis and "tonepoems" via E-mail? Some of my latest works are: "A Ten Pound Large Man", "Shadow Eye", "Stale Bread" , "Falling Way Out of Olivia", "A Man from Ur","Dirty Holy Water", "Kafka's Tomb","Intruder"", "Little Baby Lost", "Ashes from the Sky","Missing Facawee", "Ritual of the Seven Fishes", "Sleeping with Fish","War between the Jinx Gods and Greek Gods", "A Hundred-eyed Dog", "Hyphenated All Americans", "Once a Tima Ago on Old Arthur Avenue Stories", "Oedipus of the Knowing" and "The Whistling Man's long Dark Journey into Night - sometimes on the Sea".... These were all sculpted using 800 words or less.
There are many more titles I could mention but I think I've bored you enough. Thank you for your time and kind attention.
*emailaddy* . I know you must put much effort and time in your endeavor - without much thanks. I thank you.
I have never done this before but a fellow writer told me there is nothing to be ashamed of when asking for some compensation for one's labor of love. That cliché just fell out of me; perhaps it's the passing out - since my last meal several days ago but it would be nice if someone would send the price of a bag of chips and maybe a soda too to wash them down or even in my wildest dreams, that is if you are making something from readers or your sponsors who appreciate literature, then perhaps enough for like a two course meal; however, if you are poorer than we - forget I ever asked about that green stuff and those silvery shiny coin thingees - so who needs to eat every day?
I'm sorry if I sent you this message before but I misplaced some of my records and still do on occasion and add the fact that often I might get an address from a friend and though I'm sort of a little bright I tend to not realize I have all ready sent to that very zine or web-site before so - don't get mad. I shall never bother you again if this be the case and to those few that have received this three times - I shall begin the elaborate process of falling on my very very very dull sword! J-. ....

Subject:Re: query: 1-20-03
Date:Mon, 20 Jan 2003 12:33:45 -0500

dearest nimrod: harhar.gif - 2362 Bytes

first of all, how the fuck are we supposed to know if we like your writing or not when you didn't submit any? do you honestly think the titles of your works are so brilliant that we can automatically assume the content is as well?
furthermore, you didn't pay any credence to the "don't even ask for money youlazy prick" disclaimer on the submission info page. and i quote:

•  ($$$) - before you even ask - ($$$)  • is a collection of the best contemporary/underground writers, photographers and artists in the world. hence, the-hold is not owned by one person. all of the contributors of ARE the hold and voluntarily expose their talent to the interested reader and writer. we do not currently offer monetary compensation to contributors. if that's what you're looking for, get a job and fuck off...this zine is for the pure stimulation of our readers and writers. - :::wank wank::: -

info from Jonathan at unlikely stories
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2003 17:46:31 -0500

>Yeah, I know this guy. I'm not sure what his problem
>is. The first time I heard from him (his letters were
>shorter then) he wasn't asking for money and was
>offering only a few stories. I wrote him a letter
>asking to see the stories. He sent back the same form
>letter next week. I wrote him another letter, "You
>sent me this query already, please send your stories."
>He sent back the same form letter next week. After the
>third time, I wrote him a note asking him to stop
>writing to me. He sent the same form letter next week.
>I'm not sure how he got so stupid, but if your ISP
>allows you to block addresses, I'd do that, because
>nothing you say or do will get his attention.

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