r.l. stephenson


If I were to write like I cook…

If I were to write like I cook
The world would be full of
mouth watering metaphors
sweet succulent similes
appetizing alliterations
and robust rhythms with consuming rhymes


If I really were to write like I cook
I would have to change a few things first
and it would start “In the beginning” with the Bible.

I would take one day out of Genesis just to train Adam
in the Whoopeecat Culinary School of Hard Knocks.
Teach him how to cook things like
Suthun’ Fried Rattlesnake Fritters with Jalapeño Cream.

Eve wouldn’t need to tempt him to snack in between meals
and we’d all be having a “Garden Party” in Eden right now.

and if communion wafers and wine are supposed to represent the Body and Blood of
Christ, then I’d have to change the recipe for Communion Wafers
cause the Body of Christ has a lot more “Flava”
then what’s being represented.

And every church would be required to have an extensive wine cellar cause box wine just
doesn’t do justice to Jesus.
and you know the Pope doesn’t drink from a box.

And while I’m at it,
why not change the entire menu of the Last Supper.

Change the Eucharistic view of Bread and Wine
in to a full blown four course
farewell celebration fit for a King

Then All churches would have to serve it up
to their congregations every Sunday

The collection plate
would become the “Holy Tip Jar”
So you better be doin’ it up right
if you’re truly cookin’ for Jesus!

and if I really were to write like cook,

I’d have to combine the Food Network
with Def Poetry and call it the MMMM Network

Emeril Lagasse would be forced to “kick”
his vocabulary “up a notch”
and not use the word “Bam!”
in every other sentence.

Rocco Dispiritos would be hosting a Poetry Slam
in the Restaurant
every Sunday Night.

The Iron Chefs would engage
in Haiku Death Matches
to determine the true champion.

Martha Stuart would share
some of her future soliloquies
from C Block,

and Julia Childs newest cookbook release would be entitled
“Prose and Consommés
from the Slam Pits”-Bon Appetite!

And don’t think the poets won’t contribute to the
MMMMMM Network

Russell Simmons would be doin’ a new show called
“Def Pot Luck Poetry”
where every poet has to prepare a recipe from their soul
to go with their words.

Roger Bonair-Agard would teach all chefs to make
“Weusi Alphabetti Soup”.

Beau Sia would star in the one man Broadway Show
“The Stir Fried Monologues”

Taylor Mali would show the restaurant world how to fight hunger with his renowned
recipe on
how to “make a difference”.

and finally……

Mighty Mike McGee would bless the culinary masses
with his most important gift to mankind……
How to save your soul from the Grim Reaper
with the marshmellowy goodness
of a simple Rice Krispy Treat

Now if I could only add that
to the Last Supper Menu……

So If I were
to write like I cook
The world would be full of
mouth watering metaphors
sweet succulent similes
appetizing alliterations
and robust rhythms with consuming rhymes

and Poets
would never go hungry……

R L 'whoopeecat' Stephenson
     R L "whoopeecat" Stephenson has been livin' with the cactus and horny toads for many years. It certainly has affected his views, not to mention the few dances with peyote doin' the same. Slingin' hash, or grub to most folks, being an accomplished Executive Chef has put the groceries in the fridge and a roof over his head. He is editor/publisher of Whoopeecat Productions. His work appears on various websites. Accomplishments - chapbook: "Nola in the Streets" and "Howlin' Cat Blues" - 15 poem CD.
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